Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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