The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
