Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
