I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
