I accidentally had phone sex last night
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
