We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
