Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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