I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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