Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
