I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
and you fell through a lawn chair
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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