She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
