I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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