THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
