I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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