you're like a bully in the Christmas story
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
