there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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