I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
