We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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