New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are the jesus of drinking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
