It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
