i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
