I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
