she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
