I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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