He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
