either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
