I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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