4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
