People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
