My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
