Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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