I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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