did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
