So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This is my gift to your gina
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
