well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
