my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
