Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
