So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
