i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
