you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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