So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
