I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
