cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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