don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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