...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
