This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
