she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
