plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
