the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
