im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
