In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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