Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
