Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
