The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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